Tuesday, June 21, 2011

for nana goats.

took me a few days to come back to this post. i left room enough to let it all sink in. the news drifted to me in installments. from across the country i was receiving only bits and pieces. i was frustrated knowing there was something i could not be a part of. i know my nana is strong, and she has my mother to take care of her. the concept of family has stretched and warped over time. i've been away for so long. i feel like an extension, not integrated. i spent every day with my nana. she took me on trips. she instilled in me a love of travel and adventure. she's the funniest, smartest. she's the one i asked silly questions of. she heard my teenage stories. she's my compass in so many ways. she's never far from my mind. she battles through a recent discovery. mentally, physically, emotionally draining. the words must have hit her at first with a shock, and then with a charge. you have cancer. she has cancer. all the tests, the pushing and pulling...you have cancer. i would like to spend every day with you still. i would like to be in the car heading south to florida with the windows rolled down even though you prefer air conditioning. you'd feel the fresh air. i'd like to be the one driving. we would listen to the oldies station. elvis would sing suspicious minds, and your hand would fly to the dial. the volume would be on LOUD, and you'd tell me how much you admire the drummer's skills. nevermind elvis, check out the sounds of the drummer. i have my love of music to thank you for too. i have everything to thank you for. it's not a burden for you. it never was any burden for you. to take me in, to love me, to provide for me, to be there for me. always. nana, i am here for you now. i am here for you always.